


My Funny Valentine

by notastranger



Series: The Adventures of Charlie and Scientist [3]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Fluff, Just Straight Up Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-20
Updated: 2014-02-20
Packaged: 2018-01-13 05:24:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1214302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notastranger/pseuds/notastranger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charlie has to work on Valentine's Day, but that's not going to stop him from celebrating the holiday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Funny Valentine

“Charlie, what are you doing?”

Charlie frowned sourly at Dennis and hung another red streamer above a booth in Paddy’s. “What’s it look like I’m doing?”

Dennis sighed and swiped at the table, already littered with heart-shaped confetti. “I thought we agreed on no decorations. We want Paddy’s to be the bar people come to who _don’t_ want to be reminded of what day it is.”

“That was before you said I had to work tonight,” Charlie complained, hopping off the padded bench. “I had plans and you screwed them up.”

“Somebody has to clean up after the lovelorn, little buddy. Can’t your boyfriend take you out tomorrow night?”

“Yeah, but he shouldn’t have to!” Charlie angrily shoved the rest of the streamers into a plastic bag. “And even if we weren’t going to do anything – which you’d be stupid to assume because you know how romantic and classy Scientist is -- I _always_ do something for Waitress, so making me work tonight sucks twice over.”

Dennis rolled his eyes and tried to sweep off more of the confetti, but Charlie slapped his hand away, hard enough to sting. “Hey! What does that have to do with you making this booth look like Cupid vomited all over it?”

Charlie crossed his arms defiantly. “Because not even being stuck here all night is going to stop me from celebrating Valentine’s Day.”

~*~

Scientist stopped by Paddy’s after work, just as Charlie had requested, looking about in earnest for his boyfriend and avoiding eye contact with the inebriated customers. Dee greeted him as she passed by, tray of drinks in hand. “Charlie wants you to sit at the booth in the back. He’ll be with you in a minute.”

The booth in question was easy enough to spot, plastered floor to ceiling with paper hearts and cupid silhouettes in various shades of red, an oasis of color in the otherwise dreary bar. Scientist flushed pink-cheeked at the sight, lips curving into a soft smile—

At least until he noticed that the booth was occupied.

“Ah, excuse me?” Scientist said to the blond woman who was not nearly as enamored by the romantic display. “I think you’re sitting in my booth.”

The woman’s gaze swung up to meet his and she smiled humorlessly. “Science Bitch, I presume?”

Scientist blinked, the color draining from his face. A corner of his thin mouth turned down. “Waitress.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” Charlie’s exuberance cut through the tense silence as he bounded up to Scientist with a wide smile. “Are you surprised?”

Scientist smiled weakly, glancing over at the Waitress who had shut her eyes and was rubbing the bridge of her nose as if to ward off a headache. “You could say that.”

“I was really pissed off that I had to work tonight, especially after you had made reservations at that nice steak place that serves those fancy french fries,” Charlie explained as helped the other man out of his coat. “So I figured, why not combine business and pleasure? You can have a nice romantic evening with me when I’m not tending bar or cleaning up the bathroom.”

“And…?” Scientist gestured awkwardly at Waitress. She snorted and pointedly looked away.

“Oh, well, I asked Dennis if I could decorate two booths, and he said no, and anyway then you’d both be lonely while I was off doing Charlie work. This way you can keep each other company.”

“That was… very thoughtful of you.” Scientist murmured, sliding into the seat opposite Waitress.

Charlie beamed, oblivious to the hesitance in Scientist’s praise. He carefully placed the other man’s coat on the back of a chair before grabbing a shopping bag from the floor. “First, I want to add a little more ambiance,” he said, placing several electric votives on the table and turning them on.

Scientist smiled faintly at the warm, flickering lights. “That’s a nice touch.”

“Thanks. Mac said I couldn’t light real candles.” Charlie pulled out a bouquet of lilacs and offered them to Waitress. “You keep throwing out the roses I send you so I thought you’d like these instead.”

Waitress glared at the flowers as if they had personally offended her, but took them anyway.

“And for you…” Charlie reached into the bag, more carefully this time, and pulled out a small potted cactus. He placed it triumphantly in front of Scientist. “I wanted to get you something manly that was also a plant, and what’s more manly than a cactus?”

Scientist ran a fingertip gently over the purple flower budding atop the round, spiked plant. “Thank you, Charlie.” He gave the smaller man a doe-eyed look of appreciation. “It’s lovely.”

“And manly, right?”

Scientist chuckled quietly. “Yes, very manly.”

Charlie sighed in relief. “Good, good. It was either that or a venus fly-trap, but I was worried it’d come after Armitage in the night.”

“It wouldn’t—“ Scientist started to explain, but Charlie was busy pulling out of the bag a bottle of wine and a corkscrew. Waitress snatched them out of Charlie’s hands and stabbed the pointy end of the screw into the cork, determined to get the bottle open as quickly as possible.

“It’s a red wine, to go with the theme,” Charlie explained, setting down two long-stemmed glasses. “And don’t worry, it’s not from our stockroom.” He gave Scientist a sly wink.

“Charlie!” Dennis shouted from behind the bar. “I need your help back here!”

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Charlie promised. He blew a kiss to Waitress and pressed a real one to Scientist’s lips before scampering away.

Scientist let an undignified smile light up his entire face before reluctantly turning his gaze to Waitress. She glared back at him with thinly veiled contempt as she yanked out the cork and poured herself some wine.

“So…” Scientist watched her down her glass and pour herself another. “Charlie says you work in a coffee shop?”

Waitress scoffed in disbelief. “Are you seriously trying to make small-talk with me?”

Scientist clenched his jaw. “I’m trying to be _polite_ ,” he replied, his words clipped. “For Charlie’s sake.”

“You’re willing to spend Valentine’s Day in a shitty bar, with _me_ \-- the person your boyfriend has been crushing on for the past ten years -- to be _polite_?”

Scientist reached for the wine bottle and filled his own glass. “You’ve made it quite clear that you neither appreciate nor reciprocate Charlie’s affection. I’ve no reason to be jealous.”

“Even though I could suddenly change my mind and decide that I want Charlie after all?” Waitress asked skeptically, chin lifted in challenge.

Scientist narrowed his eyes. “Like I said,” he answered with a tight, unfriendly smile. “No reason to be jealous.”

Charlie chose that moment to return to his valentines, finally freed of whatever chore Dennis had foisted upon him. He took in their unpleasant expressions and grinned nervously. “You two kids having a good time?”

“Charlie,” Waitress said, voice syrupy sweet. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course!” Charlie replied eagerly.

“Which of us do you think is more attractive?” She batted her lashes and blithely ignored Scientist’s coughing fit as he tried desperately not to choke on a poorly timed sip of wine.

“You okay, Doc?” Charlie asked worriedly. He patted firmly between Scientist’s shoulder blades and looked at Waitress distractedly. “Well, you’re prettier – _easy_ , Doc, deep breaths – but Doc is more handsome. So you’re both attractive in your own way.”

Waitress frowned, unimpressed. “That’s kind of a bullshit answer, Charlie.”

“No it isn’t!” Charlie’s voice cracked slightly in defense. He looked to Scientist for help, but the other man was staring at the table with a noticeable pout. “You’re both good-looking.”

“But if you _had_ to choose,” Waitress insisted. “Who looks better?”

“Uh… oh! I hear Dennis calling me, gotta run!” He darted away from the booth at a speed just shy of panicked running.

Waitress sat back and watched Scientist with a measured look. “No reason to be jealous, huh?”

Scientist kept his gaze on the table. “You’ve made your point," he muttered into his drink.

A full minute passed before Waitress finally cleared her throat. “You’re all he talks about whenever he sees me.”

Scientist looked up, expression guarded. “Is that so?”

“Yeah. It’s Doc this and Doc that. ‘Doc makes really good spaghetti.’ ‘Doc knows everything about dinosaurs.’ ‘Doc showed me how to eat an artichoke.’” She rolled her eyes. “He thinks you’re a freaking genius.”

Scientist hid a smile behind his glass as he raised it for another sip. “Charlie has always been very generous with his praise.”

“Yeah,” Waitress agreed, half to herself, before the soft, wistful look hardened into annoyance. “Although if you really _were_ a genius, you’d figure out a way to get him to stop bugging me.”

Scientist swallowed hurriedly and set his glass down. “Well,” he snapped waspishly, “My first suggestion would be for you to not agree to visit his work establishment on _Valentine’s Day_.”

“I didn’t know he was going to—“ She waved her arm at the decorations. “I came here looking for Dennis.”

“Dennis,” Scientist repeated, mildly repulsed.

Waitress nodded. “Or Frank.”

“Bloody hell. You’re kidding me.”

“You know what, screw you, you’re the one banging Charlie. I don’t care if you get him to shower first, you’re in no position to judge.” Waitress grabbed her purse and the open bottle of wine before sliding out of the booth and stalking towards the exit.

~*~

By the time Charlie returned to the booth, Scientist had finished his wine and was absently re-arranging the confetti into a pattern based on color and shape. “Hey, I—Oh.”

Scientist looked up and followed Charlie’s resigned gaze to the abandoned bouquet of lilacs. “She left some time ago, I’m afraid.”

“Yeah,” Charlie sighed. He slid into the booth next to Scientist. “She never stays for very long. I’m sorry she left you alone, man. You must be having a shitty time.”

Scientist watched the smaller man worry his lower lip. He sighed tenderly and ran a forgiving hand through Charlie’s hair. “My only regret is that I have to share your company. Otherwise, this was a lovely Valentine’s Day.”

Charlie shut his eyes at the touch, leaning in and gently butting his head against Scientist’s. “You’ll really like tomorrow, then.”

“Hmm?” Scientist placed his hand on Charlie’s. “What happens tomorrow?”

Charlie flipped his hand so that their palms touched. “Your Valentine’s Day, dude.”

“My…? But I thought this was—“

“Nah, this was just for the Waitress’s benefit. You know how women are, they want all the traditional sappy stuff for Valentine’s Day.” He smirked and shook his head. “Not at all what a classy guy like you deserves.”

“And what does a classy guy like me deserve?” Scientist asked softly, lacing his fingers with Charlie’s.

“Breakfast in bed, duh, and a trip to the art museum because you’ve been talking about that Marc Chagall exhibit for the last month. And then I’m taking you to Pat’s because I can’t believe you’ve lived in Philly for over ten years and you haven’t ever had a cheesesteak sandwich. I mean, it’s not as good as milksteak, but it’s still pretty awesome…” Charlie trailed off, concerned with the way Scientist’s eyes were shining wetly in the flicker of fake candlelight. “Is… is that okay?”

Scientist nodded and smiled broadly, putting Charlie at ease. “It all sounds delightful. I can’t wait.”

Charlie grinned and gave Scientist’s hand a squeeze. “Awesome.”

“Is it all right then if I go home now? Since you’ll still be working for a few hours.”

“Sure,” Charlie said, sliding out of the booth and grabbing Scientist’s coat.

“Thank God,” Scientist muttered to himself. He slipped into his coat and picked up the potted cactus, walking with Charlie to the door. “I’ll find a nice spot for Mr. Prickles.”

Charlie laughed. “I can’t believe you named the cactus already.” He smiled up at the other man. “Nerd.”

“Silly boy,” Scientist whispered sweetly. He leaned down slightly before catching himself, but Charlie closed the distance and kissed him squarely on the lips. They tried to be discrete, but Charlie couldn’t help but face cuddle in earnest, rubbing his nose against Scientist’s and grinning when the other man giggled.

“This bar is a PDA-free zone,” Dennis called out, breaking up the kiss. “And that includes gay PDA or whatever weird nuzzling thing you two are doing.”

Scientist smiled, face flushed. “See you at home, Charlie.” He opened the door and showed himself out.

Dennis walked around the bar and shoved a mop handle into Charlie’s hand. “Here. Someone expressed their loneliness with at least two bodily fluids in the men’s room.”

Charlie blinked, but the dreamy look on his face didn’t budge.

“Honest to God, can you try to rein it in, just a little? We have an image of cynical disinterest to maintain.”

“Dude, don’t take it out on me just because I have two valentines and you have none,” Charlie scoffed, coming back to himself.

Dennis swallowed hard in disbelief. “ _Charlie_. You have _one_ valentine, and a gay one at that. Why should that concern me?”

“Because the way I see it,” Charlie retorted as he swung the mop over his shoulder and sauntered towards the restrooms, “I’m the only one who’s getting laid tonight.”

Dennis stared blankly ahead before putting his face into his hands and groaning. “I hate it when he’s right.”

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to thismightyneed@tumblr for her cactus suggestion.
> 
> For those who communicate with flowers:  
> lilacs represent first love  
> a cactus represent endurance :)


End file.
